so, another reason i sorta started this was
i was going through all the romance&relationships tribes out of curiousity... and i got kind of addicted to reading the polyamory and the monogamy tribes. but, as i said...I didn't really feel like joining the fray
now...I know i'm monogamous and I know there are polyamorous folks abounding in the bay area...but except for devin and laura, i haven't really known any.
when i read these tribes i feel like i've been living in the dark, based on the amount of discourse these two subjects create.
What i'm most interested in is not why people are polyamorous. i actually understand intellectually, it's just not something i feel. i liken it to arguing about religion. i don't feel i can argue my atheism very often because it's as much a faith or belief as religion is.
anyway, what i was getting at. what fascinates me is how angry the people in the monogamy tribe are. they seem to feel threatened, somehow. as though the fact that a growing group of bay areans (and i'm sure it's elsewhere but we tend to have a more diverse group in the area of sexual/emotional experience) tend towards multiple partners/love somehow threatens their monogamous tendencies.
from what i read, they seem to feel that they're being called into question or that polyamorists are somehow thinking they're more evolved than monogamous counterparts. but i'm not sure i've gotten taht feeling from what i read.
anyway. that anger/threat feeling interests me. they're like all the stupid ass people who feel threatened by gay marriage.
now, this isn't necessariily a conversation about polyamory vs. monogamy. because i don't really care about the actual philosophy/feeling behind either.
i am what i am if you know what i mean or whatever.
toot toot.
gimme some spinach.
i was going through all the romance&relationships tribes out of curiousity... and i got kind of addicted to reading the polyamory and the monogamy tribes. but, as i said...I didn't really feel like joining the fray
now...I know i'm monogamous and I know there are polyamorous folks abounding in the bay area...but except for devin and laura, i haven't really known any.
when i read these tribes i feel like i've been living in the dark, based on the amount of discourse these two subjects create.
What i'm most interested in is not why people are polyamorous. i actually understand intellectually, it's just not something i feel. i liken it to arguing about religion. i don't feel i can argue my atheism very often because it's as much a faith or belief as religion is.
anyway, what i was getting at. what fascinates me is how angry the people in the monogamy tribe are. they seem to feel threatened, somehow. as though the fact that a growing group of bay areans (and i'm sure it's elsewhere but we tend to have a more diverse group in the area of sexual/emotional experience) tend towards multiple partners/love somehow threatens their monogamous tendencies.
from what i read, they seem to feel that they're being called into question or that polyamorists are somehow thinking they're more evolved than monogamous counterparts. but i'm not sure i've gotten taht feeling from what i read.
anyway. that anger/threat feeling interests me. they're like all the stupid ass people who feel threatened by gay marriage.
now, this isn't necessariily a conversation about polyamory vs. monogamy. because i don't really care about the actual philosophy/feeling behind either.
i am what i am if you know what i mean or whatever.
toot toot.
gimme some spinach.
posted by:
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SF Bay Area
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Fri, October 22, 2004 - 12:45 PMI've had some interesting conversations about this in the past year or so. One of my good friends got involved in a polyamorous relationship as a "secondary". At some point I ws linked to a good website with essays about polyamory and the theoretical goals/philosophies/etc. The ideas put forth would be a great addition to any relationship, mainly understanding and being aware of jealousy, how to ask for what you need, loving people outside of cultural constructs of gender roles, an on. Now I'm not saying all polyamorous people are self-aware, but when confronted with all these goals my own approach to relationships felt a bit naive and unthoughtout.
Maybe all the animosity towards the poly's by the mono's comes from a real elitism emanating from the poly's. it may be threatening, but why? does it make them feel like i did? that's uncomfortable, but not threatening in the life or death sense. does it make them wish they'd tried it just once? possible. there's something deep down in there that's behind the threatening feeling that makes it all go. i wonder what that is... -
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Fri, October 22, 2004 - 2:34 PMHow did your friend fare in the relationship?
I have an interesting relationship with jealousy, i'm realizing.
I choose to foster it sometimes. it's as though i crave the weird negative excitement/energy it gets buzzing inside me.
this is bad, yes. I sometimes am filled with this need to know everything about the person i'm with... perhaps *because * of the little thrill of negativity
funny, just as i was writing this. amy and i were im'ing and i jokingly said "um, hi little ms. iwannabeselfdestructive
and she said everyone wants to be self destructive sometimes
hah. ties in to what i'm saying!
and yes, i think it's easy to approach relationships in a selfish, naive (i'm not calling you selfish :) "i'm your everything. you're my everything" manner. i know i do sometimes, even while i'm striving for an honest real connection/relationship that goes deeper than my desires to be made to feel 'important'
anyway. as to the threat... i think we question ourselves a lot. humans but in particular maybe us :)
and i am mono, but... that doesn't mean i dont' question whether that's for the wrong reasons.
i think part of the appeal of my relationship with hans is... i'm not required to over analyze all this stuff .. i can just let it be. which is nice.
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Fri, October 22, 2004 - 3:05 PMwell now doesn't that sound lazy
i don't mean to imply that i want to be in a relationship where i don't have to analyze myself ..
but, since i over analyze everything... it's been healthy for me to be in a relationship where i learn to temper that at least a little bit. it helps to battle the paralysis :) -
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Fri, October 22, 2004 - 7:29 PMi'm attempting not to feel dumb for posting so much into the void. i just feel talky, so deal
I was thinking more about jealousy and how i deal with it. I don't actually have jealousy in any major tangible way. I haven't really had to deal with it to be honest.
h doesn't really have any female friends the way i have male friends. actually he doesn't seem to have the same sort of close interpersonal friendships that i have. he loves his friends definitely, but it's not with same intensity i have for my core. so he doesn't really have any friends of whomi would have any reason to be jealous of. and to be honest, i am not sure if i would. I think i've gotten control of the weird possessiveness issues i had in my early 20's. (my two other major long term relationships? they didn't really have female friends either. what's up with that? do women tend to gravitate to closer interpersonal relationships than men? some men? i can't quite believe this is a gender thing?)
but the kind i do have sometimes, usually only when i'm on my period. i get fuckin weird once a month..
that kind tends to be more of a 'who have you loved, what was it like, tell me all about it' kind of thing. i become obsessed with his history . and there's that thrill of jealousy that comes with taht knowledge, but the desire for the knowledge doesn't come from a "you should have no history, fucker' thing.. but more from trying to figure him out, i guess. so then i become fascinated with people he's loved before, etc.\ and how those people make him who he is, etc.
this making any sense?
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Mon, October 25, 2004 - 5:19 PMjealousy is a funny thing...i definitely feel it at times, but i find that if i can name it, it generally is pretty mild.
david developed a crush on his t.a. in the spring and he told me about it. and then after he broke up with k and i was still with jasman, i think the crush grew into actual liking. when he was on his summer crosscountry roadtrip with his brother, he went to visit her in boston (she moved there in june). her name is michelle. michelle, grrrrr. nothing happened at all, but he did seem to really like her.
so i have michelle jealousy. and that night after jas broke things off and i ended up in a bar with david but had decided NOT to kiss him? i told him i was so jealous of her and he asked why and i said "because you have a huge crush on her!" and he said "i HAD a crush on her." and he thought it was kind of cute that i was jealous, and then everything was fine.
you know...the relationships where i didn't have any jealousy at all, i think it probably wasn't so great. i think maybe it was because i just wasn't into the person enough. i mean, jealousy means that you want to hang onto the person, right? i don't want it to feel okay if i think the person might be moving away from me. of course you have to balance and draw lines and realize that attractions to other people are healthy. but being able to say "hey, i'm totally having a jealous reaction right now" and the other person says "aw, you have nothing to worry about" i think can be a kind of mutual affirmation that to me feels pretty good. -
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Mon, October 25, 2004 - 5:29 PMI think litthe thrills of any emotion can be ok. because it kind of goes through you like a little electric current and then dissipates
i do worry about the times that i think i actually try to find a jealous spot for myself. like poking at a hole with your tongue. (ok, did anyone else have their wisdom teeth out? you know what i mean).
i've always dealt with this with any sort of pain. i have a little bruised peach spot about something, and i poke at it to see if it still hurts but the more i poke at it the larger it becomes.
this is something i've worked on, since my marriage ended, to become better about.
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Tue, October 26, 2004 - 12:06 PMFor me jealousy is always pretty destructive. It usually means I'm downplaying myself and feeling unworthy of love when I get jealous. Sometimes I wish I were the other person, wish I had my shit together, wish this other person would give me a chance. True jealousy for me has no positive gain associated with it, except highlighting all these things I have to work on. When I feel this feeling I want to shut down and process. There's soft, tender spots there that need some love and time to harden up.
There's a different feeling when I feel unthreatened by another person, but still interested in who/what/when they are to my mate. Maybe it's a characteristic of a healthy relationship to not feel threatened when your partner brings up past loves or current attractions. If you feel safe and confident in your relationship this becomes a learning opportunity. Find out about fetishes, important people who shaped them, etc.
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Tue, October 26, 2004 - 12:07 PMI didn't know tribe didn't send notices of new posts. Doh! Maybe I need to change my preferences or add it to the daily websurf :)
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Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Tue, October 26, 2004 - 11:58 AMWell currently my friend in the poly relationship is coming to want something different. She loves the guy, but his primary relationship is with a woman who is OK with the poly thing and then not OK with it, on and off. I think she's learning alot about her boundaries and how to deal with situations that are unfair because the "other woman" has issues. I don't think poly relationships are her forte in the long run, but it was the only way she could date this guy, so she's still in it. -
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Unsu...
Re: Stuff i was thinking about
Thu, October 28, 2004 - 12:00 PMi was in a poly relationship....my girlfriend and her boyfriend-i loved them both dearly and still do,although i have realized i'm a one man type of woman...(love one man even though i'm not with him and don't really think i will be again,even if i had the chance-but who knows?)...we didn't have very many problems with jealousy,although i was kinda in and out of my celibacy which i know was hard for them and selfish of me,some times i felt like there might have been a jealousy issue,but somehow it was always avoided...i was kinda lucky,loving them both and being the quote un-quote 'out-sider' them having had a relationship for three years or so and my having been their friend for two before we became room-mates and eventually lovers.
i realize now that alot of growth came from me knowing them and having had that relationship.
-me
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